Blog

When The Rug Gets Pulled.

Isaiah 40: 30 – 31 ESV
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Tonight is one of those nights, I am not sure how to get my words together. Marshall and I took a much needed vacation to get away, retreat and process everything we have been going through since my diagnoses and latest appointments. We have had some amazing concurring moments and moments where I feel like my world is falling apart.

Being in my 30’s and suddenly having my legs give out while walking is something I NEVER IMAGINED I would be learning how to handle in my life. Or how to handle the stares from the flight attendant because she can’t believe my face is drooping and can barely understand me because I am slurring my words. I become so red with embarrassment, I want to crawl under my seat.

At this moment, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet in several aspects of my life.

I say this with certainty that the majority will understand when I say this “It is ok, to not be ok 100 % of the time”. The best, most powerful thing I can do for myself is to recognize and give respect to the changes happening to my body and allow the feelings to come when they come. Giving them time to process and then get back up again.

That DOES NOT mean I give in; it means that I take care of myself when my body is telling me something is wrong. When it tells me to stop and forces me to rest. Marshall has to step in sometimes to make me stop. Because, well you know, I am stubborn. However, he truly understands my drive and the mental struggle I have daily. But when I do not listen, I end up in a wheelchair on vacation and headed back to the room to sleep and let my body recover. I do not get an option when it gets to that point.

So what do I do now, that I feel like the rug has been pulled? Burn it! I did not need that rug anyway! Redecorate. Make changes. Downsize. Redecorate again. How am I doing that? One day at a time. I am working on a Ladies Retreat coming in 2020, I have a few speaking engagements this fall. For the new year I am not sure where it will go from there. These were things all put into motion BEFORE my last set of doctors’ visits. Then we had to have some very hard discussions in those appointments. Honestly, it was not information I wanted to hear. Hence why we went away for a while.

All I know is, God has me. I will fly, I will soar. I will always be looking for his guidance and do everything in my power to fulfill the plan he has for me, to the best of my ability.

I want to share what God has done in my life. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I sometimes feel like a broken record, but I honestly believe that if I can help just one person, it is all worth it. #Live2Inspire1

AMEN!

Next speaking event: Sept. 8th Grace Covenant Church Kingsport, TN










Advertisements
Blog

Change is Hard. Change is Growth

This life is always changing. Change looks different for everyone. Mine is just a little more drastic than most. As it is with anyone with a chronic illness; especially something rare, such as mine.

Sometimes I believe the change in my activity level is the hardest part about MG. The change in my body, my physical appearance; wishing I could work out and get back to were I once was. Other days, I feel like I am missing out with friends and family because of the lack of energy and strength to do something fun with them. Then, I think about how I feel in regards to the dreams I once had. Of certain goals, I wanted to accomplish in life. Change is hard.

Then I wake up, specifically the last two days, and I cant keep my eye open to save my life. I sit in a room with blackout shades, wearing sunglasses, just so I can watch a movie to pass the time. My eyes ache with pain as they try to stay open. Think of this way, when you go to the gym and you are on your last rep. of lifting a weight. The burn, the shaking of trying to keep your arms up to achieve that last point, that’s what it feels like in my eyes. That is full muscle fatigue. That is what happens to MG’ers when they cant get the nerve signal to the muscle.

No, THIS, this is the hardest. It effects everything. It effects me being able to get ready. It effects enjoying these beautiful days we have had, that I feel I have completely missed out on.

But then I take a set back and remember a conversation I had with a lady three days ago. A conversation that reminded me that on days like today, I am STILL GROWING.

I was telling her about my workshop I am building “Resilience is Beautiful”. I was explaining that my new goal is to share my story and to help others in all aspects of life because resilience is NOT a word just associated with someone with medical complications. It is a word that builds meaning for each of us. From marriage, family, finances, work and more specifically our Faith Walk.

I know what I am going through is meant to be shared. That God and I have had NUMEROUS heart to heart conversations about what the future holds for me. Is it a clear picture? No. Does it scare me? Yes. WIll it help others? I believe it will with all my heart.

So I made the decision to step out and start working on this workshop. To put my heart and soul into building sessions that had real meaning, real value, real conversation. I pray about that points the conversations are meant to be built around. I pray about the people that will attend. I pray for the confidence in my research to build something Biblically sound. I have grown.

I have grown in my prayer life. I have grown in my understanding of what spiritual and mental health looks like. I have grown in my understanding that “yes” my life is changing but I am growing with it. God has a plan. He has been pulling at my heart, having very deep conversations with me when I am alone in a room watching a movie with blackout shades. He uses this time, even though they are VERY hard on me, because I am alone and not distracted.

I know today will get better. I know that I will be focusing what energy I have into my workshop and build something, I believe, will have value. That is my prayer.

I am human. I have feelings, struggles, pain, emotions and days that I feel I am at my lowest. But I remember that with these struggles brings moments of clarity and direction. Forcing me to reprioritize my life. And that is exactly what I am doing.

Change is Hard. Change is Growth.